Jaymzangel's Blog

an average girl's pensive musings, snarky ruminations & flights of fancy

Archive for August, 2009

nightmares & dreamscapes

I just cannot seem to sleep lately, especially not without dreaming. mind you, if they were good dreams, I wouldn’t be writing this. sadly, they are decidedly not good dreams, & while they may not be nightmares (certainly not to some people) they are still bugging the hell out of me.
the one that I can’t seem to get out of my brain (no matter how hard I try) is from Wednesday night. I dreamed I was pregnant. I was pregnant & at home in PA with my whole family (who I adore) & it was some holiday I think, I’m not sure which one. I dreamed everyone was rubbing my belly & talking about the baby: what it would be, what it would look like, what I would name it. everyone was so happy & excited for me. Mom told me she had a surprise for me & took me upstairs to stand outside of a door. she opened the door & said, “Surprise!” & I was looking into a gorgeous nursery. it was all painted with murals & beautifully decorated, like one of the nurseries the celebs & rich people would have. I was in love with it. my mom’s face was so pretty & shining with love & she told me the whole family had helped with the room. of course, I cried, in the dream & when I woke up. I don’t remember much else from it, I know I had the baby, a boy I think & everyone was ecstatic but I could never see his face (probably because he will never exist.)

I just continue to be so bothered by it & it’s driving me crazy. half the time I don’t even want kids, especially if I’m out somewhere around some random people’s screaming little heathens. but then I see the pictures on myspace & facebook of all the girls I went to school with & they are radiantly happy & have the most beautiful children. everywhere I look, it’s babies & pregnant women. makes me wish of an island with just me & a bunch of men. preferably hot, mostly naked &  randy for my attentions. hey, it’s my dream, don’t hate.

I’m even more nervous about going home in September now, since I’ll be seeing my cousin Jill’s new baby Kohen Michael & my cousin Ryan’s new baby Tori. I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to handle it. I spent 20 mins out on the front porch bawling my eyes out at Jilly’s baby shower so I am understandably EXTREMELY anxious about going & having to be around the babies. I don’t know if I’m going to want to hold them, which makes me feel awful. I adore babies & kids, a lot of the time.

I just hate that everything that’s happened to me has somehow changed a part of me that much. I don’t want to feel sad every time I see a cute baby, especially not one who’s related to me. I don’t want to hurt my family’s feelings, especially the mothers. I’ m just really struggling with it & I don’t like it at all. I am basically a happy person for all intents & purposes, & I don’t like feeling unsure & nervous about anything, especially about this. it makes me feel selfish & small. I just have to keep on keeping on though, I guess. just wing it & see how it goes. I hope everything’s good & I can enjoy my family’s company & my vacation because god knows I need it at this point. we’ll see how it goes. I have about a month & a week to wait. *crosses fingers* here’s hoping.