Jaymzangel's Blog

an average girl's pensive musings, snarky ruminations & flights of fancy

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nightmares & dreamscapes

I just cannot seem to sleep lately, especially not without dreaming. mind you, if they were good dreams, I wouldn’t be writing this. sadly, they are decidedly not good dreams, & while they may not be nightmares (certainly not to some people) they are still bugging the hell out of me.
the one that I can’t seem to get out of my brain (no matter how hard I try) is from Wednesday night. I dreamed I was pregnant. I was pregnant & at home in PA with my whole family (who I adore) & it was some holiday I think, I’m not sure which one. I dreamed everyone was rubbing my belly & talking about the baby: what it would be, what it would look like, what I would name it. everyone was so happy & excited for me. Mom told me she had a surprise for me & took me upstairs to stand outside of a door. she opened the door & said, “Surprise!” & I was looking into a gorgeous nursery. it was all painted with murals & beautifully decorated, like one of the nurseries the celebs & rich people would have. I was in love with it. my mom’s face was so pretty & shining with love & she told me the whole family had helped with the room. of course, I cried, in the dream & when I woke up. I don’t remember much else from it, I know I had the baby, a boy I think & everyone was ecstatic but I could never see his face (probably because he will never exist.)

I just continue to be so bothered by it & it’s driving me crazy. half the time I don’t even want kids, especially if I’m out somewhere around some random people’s screaming little heathens. but then I see the pictures on myspace & facebook of all the girls I went to school with & they are radiantly happy & have the most beautiful children. everywhere I look, it’s babies & pregnant women. makes me wish of an island with just me & a bunch of men. preferably hot, mostly naked &  randy for my attentions. hey, it’s my dream, don’t hate.

I’m even more nervous about going home in September now, since I’ll be seeing my cousin Jill’s new baby Kohen Michael & my cousin Ryan’s new baby Tori. I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to handle it. I spent 20 mins out on the front porch bawling my eyes out at Jilly’s baby shower so I am understandably EXTREMELY anxious about going & having to be around the babies. I don’t know if I’m going to want to hold them, which makes me feel awful. I adore babies & kids, a lot of the time.

I just hate that everything that’s happened to me has somehow changed a part of me that much. I don’t want to feel sad every time I see a cute baby, especially not one who’s related to me. I don’t want to hurt my family’s feelings, especially the mothers. I’ m just really struggling with it & I don’t like it at all. I am basically a happy person for all intents & purposes, & I don’t like feeling unsure & nervous about anything, especially about this. it makes me feel selfish & small. I just have to keep on keeping on though, I guess. just wing it & see how it goes. I hope everything’s good & I can enjoy my family’s company & my vacation because god knows I need it at this point. we’ll see how it goes. I have about a month & a week to wait. *crosses fingers* here’s hoping.


the road to hell is paved with good intentions

sometimes I think I’m being punished. punished for choices I’ve made, bad things I’ve done, decisions I made that didn’t turn out the way I thought they would. even when I’ve tried to be unselfish & make choices for the betterment of other people, it sometimes didn’t work out the way I thought. but that was a long time ago, I don’t know if I’m that person anymore. when I decided to move down here, it was a purely selfish decision. I was stuck in a dead end relationship &  I honestly couldn’t see any further than where I already was. I felt that I knew in my heart, if I stayed, I would be in the exact same place 5 years down the road & I didn’t want that.

now it’s 5 years down the road and I don’t know if the place I am is really any better. I think I really may be a much more selfish person now. I’m not certain exactly how it happened. I’m not overtly mean to people but I have a lot less tolerance than I used to, particularly with stupid people. God knows, the world is full of them, which is really no help at all. I have very decided opinions on things & I don’t really care if anyone else is bothered by them or not. I have a tendency to just do whatever I want (which, to be honest, really isn’t a whole hell of a lot.) I’m sure these are all bad qualities.

I have a better paying job but it’s still a job that I hate (customer service SUCKS!)  I’m in another relationship that is going nowhere. on the upside, I like & respect him 1000 times more than my ex. he is a much better person. but I’m not in love with him anymore, if I ever was. I’m starting to think I don’t really know what love is.

there are so many different kinds of love: parent/child, romantic, love of self, love of objects/things, love of illusions. I don’t know if I believe in romantic love. sure, I am an obsessive reader. I tear through books like nobody’s business. I have read enough romances to last me a lifetime yet I always go back to them. I don’t know if it’s the idea of romantic love that I like so much or if it’s something else. I have a tendency to be drawn to the relationships & interaction between people. it fascinates me.

I can say I love the IDEA of romantic love. I think the quest for love is a common goal that most human beings share. everyone wants to be loved but so many people settle for something less than their ideals. there are so many reasons why. some people settle because they don’t ever think they will find their “soulmate” & they are afraid to be alone. so they think it’s their “last chance at love.” some settle because they get pregnant/get someone pregnant & they think it’s ‘the right thing to do’. I hate that school of thought. two wrongs never make a right. it’s bad enough that you’ve knocked up/been knocked up by someone you didn’t intend to stay with, now you are connected to that person forever. the error should not be compounded by people getting married to satisfy their families or churches or approving individuals.

but getting back on subject, we are all raised (especially girls) on the idea of romantic love. fairy tales, Disney movies, the princess waiting for a knight on a white horse to come & sweep her away to a castle & they live happily ever after. little girls who aren’t even in kindergarten yet dream about what their wedding will be like when they grow up. no one tells us that’s not how it works. it’s not a fairy tale. Prince Charming doesn’t always show up, and sometimes when he does, he is not as he appears to be. sometimes he’s a monster in disguise.

I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen for some people. I know it does, I’ve seen it. but for the people it doesn’t happen for, could there possibly be some kind of manual for going on without it? something to guide you when things don’t turn out to be a fairy tale. when you are raised to believe that people meet, fall in love, get married & have children; what happens when something interrupts the “perfect order of things”?

to me, this has been particularly disturbing. I grew up believing that I too would fall in love, get married & have babies. I was engaged to my ex, it did not work out. I used to believe I’d marry my current boyfriend. now I have no desire to get married. I don’t know if it’s exactly that I don’t want to get married at all, or that I don’t want to marry him. actually, it’s pretty much just the 1st part, I already know I don’t want to marry him. that’s not a knock towards him, really. I don’t think he wants to marry me either. he’s been there, done that & it didn’t work. anyway, he really is a fabulous person, he’s just not for me.

also, I now have a different issue as well. as I said, like most little girls, I grew up thinking one day I’d be married & have babies. so what happens when your program gets royally fucked up? that’s what I’m trying to find out. trial by fire, really, or trial by discovery since I recently had a hysterectomy at the ripe “old” age of 27. 18 days past my 27th birthday & my reproductive options were shot straight to hell. In recent years, I waffled back & forth as to whether I really wanted kids or not but deep down I always saw myself having them. I always wanted the kind of relationship with my child, that I have with my mom, who is my favorite person in the world. it really hurts that I’ll never have that. it REALLY hurts. (I’m bawling as I write this.)

inevitably, it seems like everyone around me is pregnant or has a baby. my cousin, who I adore, is having her 4th baby. a friend from work has an ‘Oops’ baby on the way. I hate that I’m jealous of them. it makes me feel like a horrible, wretched human being. like a lower life form. I don’t WANT to feel jealous of them but I can’t seem to help it. I will always wonder if maybe I just could have stuck it out with all the pain & other bullshit I was having (for years) for just a LITTLE longer, if maybe I would have gotten better or something would have changed. like DING! maybe a bell going off in my head saying, “hey, guess what?! you do really want kids, let’s try right now!” in my heart, I know that there would be no guarentee I could even have kids, in fact it’s probably very doubtful I would have. but there was always a chance I could have and that’s what crushes me. WHAT IF?  the ‘what if’s?’ in life will kill you.

part of me thinks I deserve this. that I must have done something awful at some point to someone (or multiple someones) and now karma is coming back to bite me in the ass. but what exactly it was that pushed me over the edge, I don’t know. I told Mom I’m being punished for something, apparently I should have gotten knocked up in high school like everyone else. being the fabulous person & mother she is, she promptly told me I am full of shit. because she loves me. and quite possibly she believes that I am not being punished. but she definitely knows I am full of shit (although in my mind, I’m full of shit about lots of other things but definitely not this.) the fact that she does kind of makes it worse,  just because she loves me so much. as I love her. but it is the love of a child for her mother.

I cannot imagine what it is like to have the love of a mother for her child. I will never know. I will never hold in my arms and look down upon a face that is a little piece of myself. and that is truly heart breaking.

so where do I go from here? I only wish I knew. I’m searching for some kind of direction. until I find it, I guess I’ll continue to spin in circles as I am doing now. there has to be a greater purpose for me in this life. if I find it, I’m going to do my best to grab it with both hands. If not, I am loved by the ones that I love and that will have to be enough. I pray to God it’s enough. otherwise, I’m drowning in shit creek with no paddle in sight and I can only tread water for so long. maybe a knight on a white horse will come save me. but most likely, I’ll be swimming towards the shore on my own. I hope I’m strong enough to make it.